I had viewed Antonia in clothing. She dresses very well. In clothes she looks sooooooo perfect it's not even funny. Perfect everything. My mind whirling about what she'll look like when / if I see her without the clothing - I'm thinking cover model quality. Two nights ago we had plans to head out and have some drinks and to get introduced to some of her friends. She calls me about a half hour before hand. A friend of hers' has a house out of town and an emergency; she's now house sitting for the next week as the friend has a cat and two dogs that need looking after. She gives me directions and asks me to grab some food, wine and head out?
And oh...bring your swin suit. They have an 8 person hot tub outside on the deck.
I pack up my own dog and head out. We're having fun after the initial shock of the dogs wear off. The two dogs at this house are MAYBE 40 pound Springers, fluffy and cute as hell. My dog is a 120 pound black lab. He's kind, gentle, goofy as shit...but little dogs always flip out when they first meet him.
All the dogs finally started playing in the fenced in yard. Antonia and I ate, had some wine and decided to hit the hot tub. I changed and was in the hot tub first. I heard the sliding glass door and she walked onto the deck wearing a rob. She smiled at me and said "close your eyes while I get in!" I laughed and said no way, I've been waiting too long for this!
She blushed, shrugged and tossed off the robe. I almost ruined my trunks!!! I had an expectation of what to expect. Unlike those times where things don't measure up...her body flew a thousand miles an hour past all expectations. Words can't describe, even in a bikini. Perfect breasts, stomach that was not only flat but had hints of ab muscles, long and tone legs, arms with hints of muscles, perfect long neck.
I almost passed out. Literally.
Antonia was so self conscience about her body we had to have a discussion about it. After two hours of soaking and drinking I get a tearful admission out of her. Her last boyfriend was obsessed with making her the perfect "trophy" girlfriend. He was controlling to the point that he would monitor when and how often she worked out, watch what she ate like a hawk (to such an extent that she still has trouble just enjoying food now), called her "fat" and "unacceptable" all the time, bought her weight loss things like diet pills...what a horror show.
By the time she was done talking we were both in tears; her tale broke me down completely. I was ashamed to be a man, I was ashamed to covet her physically so much. I told her so. We sat in the hot tub holding each other and cried. I felt so...well...piggy.
She asked me if her body turned me on. Am I supposed to lie? I told her that everything about her turned me on. She was so afraid and so hesitant to be physical with me for several reasons. First - she's finally started to gain weight again. When she told me that she's gained 20 pounds in the past couple months the reality of how much this guy fucked with her poor mind kicked in. She is thin and toned NOW...GOD...20 pounds lighter? Are you freaking kidding me? Skin and bones, on a dangerous level. Secondly - she wants to gain another 20 pounds over the next couple of months. A combination of muscle and fat, her body fat is still way too low.
Her fear is that by seeing her now I won't accept her physically when she gains the weight that her doctor and trainer NEED her to gain. She also likes me more than she has allowed herself to like anyone in a long time and was waiting for something to ruin it all...like me making a comment about her body that would raise a red flag. She said that my own level of physical fitness scared her initially because I am in good shape and work out a lot. She said that that brought back old guy memories...until we went to TGI Fridays one night. When I ordered french onion soup, a cheeseburger and dessert she smiled a little.
I love to eat. I love to work out. I work out to FEEL good not to LOOK good.
This was the point in time when I swam between her legs, resting my chin on her chest and looked directly in her eyes. I told her that the following was true and I would swear it on a stack of bibles in front of the Pope:
1) She looks amazing now. If she gains 20 pounds or thirty pounds or fifty pounds...she'll look as amazing.
2) There isn't anything physically about her that could ever change that would make me feel different.
3) I put my hand on her stomach and rubbed my hand up and down and told her that she would look outstanding with a belly.
4) If she works out - do it for HER. Do it to be healthy. Don't work out...EVER...to look good. Period. It's about getting and keeping the parts inside feeling good, not the parts outside.
5) She managed to break and capture my heart in one conversation. She can't say anything or do anything out of bounds. There are no limits.
I told her that I want to be a healthy part of her life. I want to support her when she needs it. I want to listen when she needs to vent. I want to back off when she needs space and I want to smoother her when she doesn't.
I want to be everything that other people haven't been able to be - all while being me. I'll never be anything that I'm not and I hope who I am is what she needs. I hope who she is equals what my heart has been looking for.
We dried off and went to bed, spending a first night together. Her head on my chest, she fell asleep on me. I could feel her breathing, her arm around me. I kissed her forehead and held her, staying awake for hours and counting my lucky stars.
I'm sure that once we're ready to have sex it's going to be mind blowing. I don't mind talking about that here because that is what this diary is for - for me to express myself and write about these things.
But that night - we made love in a way that far surpasses making love physically. We began to build a trust bond. I have allowed myself to open a little.
More than a little. I know I said it tongue in cheek before = this time I'm serious. I am one of those that doesn't believe that things (feelings) happen this fast.
I'm falling for this girl.
Hard.