Well - that's because I have never lied to anyone in my life in order to have sex. And, 99 out of 100 times, I'm happy enjoying that girl's company with or without sex. When you're completely open for anything, truly, and not just listening to someone because you're hoping to get fucked - people respect that.
I've had people become too attached to me, and honestly I've become too attached in what was supposed to be fuck buddy relationships. It's in those times that you need to go by the golden rule...treat people the way you wish to be treated.
It's amazing what being honest and open will do for you. Girls know what they are getting with me. Good guy, fun to be around, someone that will have wild times between the sheets if they're down with that, but someone just as content having a great two hour conversation with them without any preconcieved notions.
All that said...my bisexual past is something that only one of my female friends know about. None of my male friends know. I actually suspect that one of my best friends have had close to the same experiences. It's not that I don't trust them with the information, nor that I'm ashamed of it. I simply chose to keep that part of who I am more of a secret.
The one person that I did tell, she didn't judge me...and I think it mostly turned her on. I know a lot of people, male and female, would be disgusted with a lot of these stories. But I also know that a lot of people (male and female) are not. I'm writing for me, because this is a way for me to relive these things, and to work out feelings and such regarding them.
I have read all the clinical definitions of sexually charged people. With certain things in my past, my experiences with older guys when I was young and such, the assumption would be that I was abused somewhere along the lines. The type of sexual obtuse that I've shown might demonstrate someone that is wired a little wrong.
Example, young children that are abused have a difficult time coming forward. They feel that they are doing something wrong...yet what they're doing feels good. It's a conflict, how can this feel good while being bad?
Thinking further on those lines, I think back to that summer afternoon when I was 8 or so, and that older boy. Putting myself in adult shoes now and thinking...does the thought of playing with a young boy excite me? Not in the least, it actually roils my stomach.
So, in those terms, why do I feel that what happened to me was okay? I was a small kid, non puberty age, no pubic hair, very innocent. Shouldn't I be disgusted about that, and angry?
First, I was experimenting with kids my age at that time. I haven't even spoken about Sam and Jeff yet. Fact is that not every clinical definition applies to every situation. Much like when Gary and I started playing around, we (or at least I) would have traded that in at any time for a girl. It was a sexual release with someone other than my own hand, and contact I was longing for.
The boy that day, although I can't remember much about him at all, I think of the same way. I do remember him saying half a hundred times "is this okay? do you want to stop?" I think this was a high school aged boy (I remember that he had posters on his walls and such in his room...it was a teenagers room, not an adults). I think he was lonely, and I think perhaps my hand on his cock that day was one of the first he's ever had.
It felt nice to have him playing with me, and honestly it felt good to see what I was going to look like when I got older. I have always looked at that experience as one between two children, one that was slightly older...but yet still a child.
By the time Paul came around, I certainly old enough to make a choice on whether or not I wanted anything to happen, and whether this was "right" or "wrong." Paul was an adult, living in the adult world, and apparently hiding homosexual needs and desires from the world. He had a girlfriend of a long time, worked, had a car. I came around in a time that he was looking for male contact. Did he take advantage of the situation? Sure. Again, at the age that I am at now, would I ever want to play with a 12 year old's penis, or have a 12 year play with mine? No, the thought would never cross my mind.
Oddly enough, Paul still lives in the same town and we have even hung out in the past. We've spoken at length about it, and even feels badly at times that he contributed to something bad in my upbringing. I simply don't feel the same way.
Some people, in my opinion, were born with a sexual charge and open mind ability to think about sex. My household was an honest and open one. I think my father knew what was going with Gary and I, but probably felt that was something I needed to work out myself.
It's been forever and a day since I have had a same sex experience. I do think about them, I even masturbate and think about them from time to time. Oddly, I don't think I would want a "new" one. There have been a couple times hanging out with Paul that it's crossed my mind...hey if this guy wants to do something, we should. If Gary were to pop back into my life for a night, that wouldn't break my heart. Other than that, I've never had the desire to be with another man. I don't view my same sex experiences so much as bisexual as I do just...sexual.
I'm not sure if I would consider myself a bisexual. I certainly have tendencies on that level. I've even downloaded random gay sex video on line during some of my all night masturbation sessions. I own a couple DVDs that came from Europe where everyone has sex with everyone. Guys on girls, guys on guys, girls on girls. While the scenes with the guy getting fucked doggystyle is exciting, I'm more turned on by the girl he's eating out WHILE getting ass fucked.
BUT...the fact that I'm able to watch a man get ass fucked by another man...and that excites me (just not as much as women)...perhaps I am bisexual.
I guess I'm just not wild about titles. My biggest fantasy would be to be in an orgy with two or three girls and two or three guys where there is nothing sacred. Anyone can touch anyone, and all rules are off.
I've had threesomes with a male friend and a female. I really enjoyed those threesomes, but there was no desire on my end to do anything sexual with my male friend. The girl was the focus.
I've had threesomes with myself and two girls. They had some contact between them, but it certainly wasn't what you see in porn.
I've even had a threesome with two other guys. That is a story for another time.
I'm not sure what this entry means, I just feel like getting these feelings out there.
Just because a book states "x = y"...when you're talking ahout things as subjective as human behavior, you simply can't define everyone with blanket assumptions.